How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
