I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
