I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He better not be in your backpack
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
