i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize