my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
