fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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