Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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