And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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