Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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