I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize