Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
They should really pass out barf bags in church
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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