Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
