just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
