margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
