I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
