I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
