I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
