You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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