Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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