If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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