Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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