Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Come on in and take your pants off
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