my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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