my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
