The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
