the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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