btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I wish I only lived at night.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize