I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just pynch a tree in the face
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
