Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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