If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
