Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
