Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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