Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
