did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
