booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
