filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
