He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize