dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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