I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize