Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
