Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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