I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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