coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
