I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
