I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
