so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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