maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
this is an emotional support booty call
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
