so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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