I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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