And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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