he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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