My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
