I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
how does that bad decision feel?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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