Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
