Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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