Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
