Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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