A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Boobs speak an international language.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
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