from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
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