Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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