I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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